I'm Actually Feeling Serious for Once...

I've been waiting....I've been waiting for this moment all my life. But it's not quite right.s

It's kind of amazing how songs pull out truths you'd never have thought of on your own. In a sort-of-kind-of-diary entry (I really can't call them that) on my comp, I wrote how, to me, logic is expressed by words and feelings are expressed by art.

No, that wasn't it. *soft laugh* It's funny, I can't even explain my view of feelings in words right now. Hm. Must not be feeling very artistic. Well, after rereading it, the original explains it so much better. And, B, there are so many tings I want to talk to you about, so many new ideas I've had that I want to share, but for now I only have this imperfect medium to work with - and it doesn't express enough. I guess we'll just have to wait. For the moment, pay close attention to the last paragraph. I don't know. Hopefully it'll get something of what I'm thinking across (PS these are for the thoughts on the 'shattered mask' bit - mind you, not the shattered mask, but the thoughts).

4:28 PM Thursday, February, 21, 2008

Art is intense. I was sitting in History, studying for my exam (which I should be studying for/taking right now), when I noticed a phrase describing what makes up civilization – something akin to “a sophisticated interest in art and science”. It was at that moment that I had an epiphany that has been pulling at my mind unbeknownst to me since. Science is man exploring the limit of logic, and art…art is man exploring the limit of feeling.

Now, I know that isn’t exactly earth shattering; but we may know something our whole lives and never realize it, while the things we do realize shake us to our core. They stick with us, bleed into our bones till everything we do is eternally altered because of that one simple thought.

This particular epiphany gained strength when I sat down in this cozy little alcove on the fourth floor of the JFSB (my fav building at BYU), and started looking even more into miss Cornelia Parker of Great Britain. I saw several sculptures that intrigued me even off of Google Images, but it wasn’t till I saw what she did to Rodin’s The Kiss that I knew I was forever hooked.

Don’t ask me why – I’d never seen this particular sculpture before, though it’s apparently quite popular, and all she did to it was wrap string all over it. But in it there was such an invocation of feeling that I suddenly knew what art was meant for. Art is meant to put into expression what words cannot. Art is pure feeling, of all sorts, and is the outlet for all the imperfections and shortcomings of our mode of language. All the meanings left unsaid, simply because they cannot be said.

*sigh* I crave sunlight. It’s like my manna from heaven, my own personal plant food. I don’t need it, but by golly if I’d thrive without it.

Like most epiphanies, this one didn’t just hit me, Bang!, then walk away. I had to simultaneously analyze my love of all things artistic (which translates to my love of feeling) and my own sense of wanting to live. Just to live. But marching firmly against these personal factors of mine are my perceptions of my religion (not my actual religion, mind you, but the perception of it) and the worry that I could fall into the trap of only feeling, never thinking. My over-fondness for stimulation (and I mean that as in emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical stimulation) has gotten me in trouble in the past.

But feeling, living, seeing, is such a part of my existence, that I’m afraid I’ll repress it too much in an attempt to simply temper it. At times I feel as if I’ve held too much in and I have to let it out. That book, A Bright Red Scream, noted that come people start cutting because they’ve repressed feelings or secrets for too long, feelings or emotions that have to come out and cutting acts as an outlet for them. Literally taking a blade to your skin and opening yourself to the world in the only way your shut off mind knows how.

Needless to say, we don’t want that. All these thoughts and maunderings have led to one coherent fact. Like many realizations of mine, I decided that feeling and thinking are things we must do in moderation. It seems to me that only feeling, never thinking, leads to chaos, and likewise only thinking, never feeling, leads to nothing. So all that’s left is for me to find the middle ground. Or the ground that I can stand on and not go crazy. *Sigh*

Because Caitlan Reminded Me (Whether She Realized It or Not)

I decided a while back that I ought to put up some of the things my teacher's say that I deem valuable enough to actually write down.....and I forgot about it until I saw Caitlan's post about her crazy HMFD teacher(s). So, here's to the beautiful people who teach me!

"It looked like Walt Disney threw up on it!" (describing a particularly colorful fungi)

"There's this one where it looks like someone took an egg beater and stuck it in its face and said, ' Look! It's a bat!'" (describing a particularly ugly bat)

"Throw those peas away and eat your candy!"

"We live in an arctic, godforsaken part of the planet. Oh, excuse me - 'This is the place.'" (too funny - will explain to non-Mormons later *grin*)

"Water is bad. We call that 'drowning'."

"Learn logarithms or die!"

"Now notice that we are - this is going to sound spiritual almost - we are....star babies." (I don't even remember, but his expression was priceless...)

"You are like diamonds and you are like....star babies."

"We are not promiscuous like sunflowers."

"Cinco! My pet toad!" (we were talking about mutation that day - guess why he was named Cinco *grin*)

"And you can guess what we named the other one..."
(class) "Cuatro!!"

"Then we steal their babies and eat them." (<------- Do you see where I get it from!?!?!)

Those all were, if you couldn't tell, from my mad-scientist Bio professor, Dr. Nelson. No, seriously, he looks like Christopher Lloyd from "Back to the Future".

And these next few are from that wonderful man who teaches my film class - I can only remember his first name. Tom. They're way funnier when you know how he acts.

"It's like they want to tie the poem to a chair with rope and torture a confession out of it!"

"Jerry Springer is Satan." (He was joking. I think.)

"'Cause then we'd have flying horses, and then my analogy would fall apart."

"Ego is crack for the soul."

"You look awfully disappointed being the father of a blind boy - do you wish he'd fall off a cliff? Look! They're breaking through the blast doors!" (Tom talking about crappy sound directors in movies - using dialogue as cues to the audience, instead of having cinematic elements, like sound, do it.)

Crazy/Beautiful Memorias

do i love you, my oh my........river DEEP, mountain HIGH (YEAHYEAHYEAH!)
If I lost you, would I cryyyyyyyyYYYYYYYY!!!!!!! Oh, how I love you BABEH, babeh, Babeh, BABEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

....

I want to go home.

AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO GO HOME!

No Comment

I really have nothing to say. I should be spending this valuable, post-pizza time hitting the books (which of course means the internet) for meine Nature Experience de infierno. But instead I'm cross-legged on my floor, looking through ads and writing you. Quel fromage, I say. What the cheese.

Well. I could go make zucchini bread. That bloomin' pizza set my junk cravings off, flashing and sirening over every single sugary ad like police raiding a German bakery. Why German? Why not?

Steph thinks I should make zucci bread. I've just decided to call it that. I may even have to name my daughter 'Zucchini' so I can call her 'Zucci' for short. I'll make up some ridiculous story about how when I was pregnant with her I had the most horrid cravings for our neighbor's fresh zucchini, and I made her father go steal it for me. Till one day he got caught and arrested for trespassing (our neighbors will be the cantankerous sort). And that will take care of both her insecurities about her freakish first name and why she doesn't have a father *wicked grin*.


*sigh* I wish I could just scribble on forever. But, alas! My bed is calling me. Zucci bread will have to wait.

I Love Being Mad/One Card Short of a Full Deck/Knitting with Only One Needle/And Just Freaking Insane

Okay, so as I was productively skipping class in the JFSB today, I found some fun little blogs. They made me happy, so I thought I'd share them:

(This just made me happy)
http://talentedunemployedjd.blogspot.com/2008/03/ive-got-another-confession-to-make.html

(And this one's just a little bit of fun)
http://todayinseven.blogspot.com/

.....

*dies laughing*

So, now it's, what , 7:58 and I'm still at the JFSB, still skipping class (and life for that matter), browsing my old comp. entries (sort of diary entries, but more like random expressions of madness), and I find this:

"10:54 PM Saturday, November 10, 2007

So much for the afterglow…..

La meré. I am le tired. And le fried. And just plain sucky. I don’t need le French for that one.

Well, this feels good. It has been such a jolly long time since I’ve written anything remotely related to a journal, especially on le computer. And now, on this pathetic Saturday night, I’ve returned.

Man, what crap. Yeah, I’ve been at college for, what, almost five months? And I’m already burned out and ready to screw it all? Yeah, that’s jolly stuff.

Problem is I’ve been jacking off for so long it’s just hard to stop. I’ve never had to work for anything. My days as an academic thus far have been like this:

*Teacher standing at front, lecturing to a konked out class. Me painting my nails (electric blue, no less) in the front row. And, for the sake of my screwed up mentality, let’s put me in a freaky, Catholic schoolgirl skirt and a DD cup*

Teacher: And that’s how the human genome was finally decoded. Now, would any of you like to replicate the DNA strand of the arabidopsis thaliana on the whiteboard here?

Class: *snores*

Teacher: Ah, Tia, why don’t you enthrall us with your exquisite grasp of biogenetics?

The distraction causes my oh-so steady hand to jerk, coloring my pinky blue.

Me, irritated: Oh, you want me to demonstrate my mad mental skills in front of such an unworthy audience? Is that it?

My chair flies into deep space as I shoot up, going into a flying spin kick right in Teacher’s face. Screw genomes. Brazilian Jujitsu kicks its *** anyday.

Well. Yeah. That’s about how it felt anyways. The part about the nail polish is true (though not the nungas, thank heavens). Having Hilde’s around was enough to put me off big breasts for life."

I freaking love my screwed up self.

Because Branden Wants It....

...even if he doesn't know it.

Awesome song: Love Me Dead by Ludo

http://profile.imeem.com/461zpM/music/RT-wAInz/ludo_love_me_dead/

Por lo manos, imeem is an awesome sight too.

I Can't Sleep....*grumblegrumble*

And so the week of insomnia continues. Happily, tonight I am kept up by the excitement for tomorrow and not the dread of it. I'm full of all those racing thoughts that just won't let you sleep, no matter how pocked and saggy your skin, how tired your muscles, how headache-y your brain. Ah, I live for these nights.

I'm feeling...benign? Maybe mild; Thesaurus.com says I'm feeling "downright neighborly" (glory, I love that site). Calm is certainly there. I've felt more calm today than I have (on a weekday) for a while. At least a couple weeks. Strange how that works. I am also listening to Two-Star Symphony, this awesome quartet from Houston, TX that has a strong flavor of Russia - to ignorant, ol' me at least. They are so cool I feel the need to promote them.

Nifty Tex-Russian musica aside, I am also looking up all the bookstores in the greater Tri-Cities area. I've decided that being eighteen and out of school two months earlier will make job-hunting far more attractive than it was in high school, and since I'll be relatively early, I can be choosy. At least at first. Then, when no one hires me, I'll settle for frying spuds for the King (Kimberly Ann, we still haven't played that game *pointed look*).

Hmmmmmm, let's see.....other than that I may be going up to Boise this weekend. Mi madre y padre will be there and I really want to go. I'm trying to resign myself to the fact that I may not, but I want to cheat my last stretch of Spartan existence and recharge with the fam. I want to ask Dad for a blessing and Mum for hair dyeing tips and make Willy unlock my phone (and check out his relationship w/ Jess) and so forth. Then I can come home and suck it up for a couple more weeks. Happily, in fact.

Well, that'd be grand, but who knows. I do know that tomorrow's gonna suck it up if I don't go to sleep soon (though it's pretty much already gonna suck - I have to get up in 3 hours). Bleh.


PS Here's a site where you can listen (and even download - ooerg!) Two-Star Symphony. "Something She Said" is my favorite so far.

http://music.download.com/twostarsymphony/3600-8281_32-100790363.html

Because Everyone is Doing It (and I Like Tag)

Favorite Color:Hahahahahahahaha!!!!

Favorite Animal:

Bad Habit:

Favorite Food:

Favorite Hobby:

Place I live: Go Clockwise (Los Lunas, Las Vegas, Richland, Provo)

Favorite Song:

*snort* S'not even my favorite song (though who has one of those, seriously?), but the picture was just too perfect!

My Job:

Favorite Author:

Favorite Dessert:

Ambrosia, straight from Mt. Olympus.

Picture of Me:

Hey, if the shoe fits.....

I Freaking Love to Color!!!!

And I'm Freaking restless to boot. I couldn't sleep due to the aforementioned problem, and just when I got down from my bunk, Aryel charged in. Good timing, because I've calmed down, but I've also gotten a little bit of my psycho out of my system. Poor Kym though, she's probably cursing her name by now *grin*.

Anyways, I'm just posting this for the heck of it. I'm now going to go rest my soul...or read until I drop dead. Either way, don't be surprised one day if you wake up and I"m texting you from Hawaii or Greece. I'd totally jump ship if I could slip the money out from under my dad's nose. Sadly, he checks my account regularly, so no flying away anytime soon.....*wistful stare off in the distance*

Where Have All the Bishies Gone? Why, There Right Here - In Deutschland!

Ok, topic of the day: Bill Kaulitz.

Just a sidenote - he's a man. A very freakishly pretty man.

I found this 'guy' while I was surfing around imeem last night, and after seeing his face I had to click on the ad. Not surprisingly, I thought he was....a girl.....and even better was after I'd read all about him and his twin brother (who pulls the gangsta look - I"ll show in a sec), I still thought he was a girl. They even blatantly stated "he..." "he...." "he...", etc., but I just couldn't look at that face and think: boy.

I had it almost figured out to wear it was a huge gimmick and he really was the twin sister (manga widens my range of believability), but then I heard him speak. And sing. And much as I'd like to think that that's just a very husky girl, I might have to just cede and give him his sex.

*sigh* Well, the sad result of all that strange fascination is now I can't/don't want to take my eyes off of him. He's just plain appealing to the eye and because I've officially given in and named him male, he is now my new fantasy toy. One day, he will walk around Salt Lake (I've decided that's the most believable place, though campus would be a lot more convenient), bump into me, find himself strangely drawn to me, get converted, and woo the heck out of me. I really have read too much manga<---He's our age, by the way. Oh my gosh, he's such a girl.

Ah, well, I figured I'd chalk it down to a strange impulse/attraction/sick fascination. I like different things, black things, and pretty things, and he certainly embodies all of those. Freaky.


Bill No-Makeup - still a girl (look at those eyes).

So hot....it's just not normal.This is the only picture I can find where he looks anything like a guy. Oh, and here's his twin.




Ok, so I know this is way more pictures than anyone asked for, but I just couldn't help myself. There are strange powers of attraction at work here, and I'd be the last to understand them.

Anyways, I wanted to write something actually intelligent about the band to redeem my return to adolescent worship, but I have to go to class. So, I'll just have to let you research. There was a good article by a German guy, but I've lost the link. Anyways, name of the band's Tokio Hotel, if you want to check them out.

PS Their music doesn't particularly slay me, per se, but they are freakishly popular internationally, so maybe it's just me.

Hey, cherry, do you belong to the physics club?

I. Found. The most. AWESOME. Pair of boots today.

Doc Martens, plaid interior, ribbon laces, and they fold down half-way like Bender does to his boots in The Breakfast Club. Sweet!



Oh, and that's not even the best part - they're only $70 at Famous Footwear. Everywhere I've tried to find them online, they're $150. Yeeeeesssssssss......I am so going to go buy them tomorrow. I've wanted Doc Marten boots half my life (and, no, I'm not exaggerating).

Well, on a less shallow note, my life is dandy. I've actually had a pretty good day (though my head is starting to object to that no sleep thing I had going for me last night), and I already bought a pair of nice, brown sketchers and new running shoes today. So my feet are in Hermes heaven. And it was sunny and warm....still! I'm amazed, to say the least, but definitely still appreciative!

Ah, boots.....really I can't deny it. I'm still euphoric from simply deciding I was going to own those boots. Euphoria!!! Utter, rapturous, worldly joy! And that's just from deciding - imagine what I'll be like when I actually buy them.

Hallelujah!

Mini-Man Blog!

Ok, so here's a quick, short blog mostly meant to advertise my other blog, College Life in Color, blah, blah, blah. It's basically my picture blog, so for those of you who wish they were an even bigger part of my life, here it is: http://tiaslifeinathousandpictures.blogspot.com/

Oh, and the 'man' part comes from having lost my voice *coughcough*.

One of these things is not like the other one....

Hahahahahahahahahaha! I love myself....

And, by the way, I'm going to see Cloverfield this Friday with Sarah....and Sam *slow smile*.

Blood-letting and AZ-Town

I am now sitting in the D4 terminal of the Phoenix, AZ airport (don't actually know the name) waiting for my flight. Which is delayed. So instead of eagerly rushing back to all of you *cough* darling people, I am pouring out my personal life on this very public access internet. And I am wondering if the rather attractive guy to my right is reading what I type. If so, tres amusant.

Anyways, my weekend was fabulous. I ate much good food (best curry ever), watched many movies which I'd already seen before, climbed many large, very red (yes!) rocks, and played with meine tres awesome sissy. And, no, I am not too old to say sissy - shut your face.

But, point is, it was wonderful and I thoroughly ignored my phone and I am now listening to Meatloaf, like a good little girl, and I am just sighing away my life right about now. Because I don't want to go back. I was just talking to Branden and I was saying how I wouldn't have minded the SLC airport facing a disastrous blizzard or, you know, a comet and I could stay in AZ for another day! Or, like, forever!

Alas, I know that this would be bad (haha, hot guy left - maybe he finally saw himself on my screen *wicked grin*). And Kym might very well hyperventilate (please hyperventilate if I ever
leave you without a moment's notice. Please??) if I don't show up ever again, so I mun come back. Ah, well...twas a short but beautiful dream.

Ew. And I just realized I smell - maybe that's why he left. *despondent sigh*Will anyone ever except me and my pungent ways? PS, I swear I showered today, but 'airport' is just not very conducive to freshness, and airport in Arizona is just plain bad for the health - even at 10 PM in February. Trust me.

Well, I feel like not only am I wasting the lives of all those truants who might be reading this, but your's too, amigos queridos. Thus I will retire - ish. Which means that I'm bored writing and now I'm going to watch Scrubs. Luvs! *grin*


PS Forget the title - I just named an folder in my pictures that and I liked it so much I wanted the public to see.

Scandalous!

Sooooooo, if we didn't know it already, I've determined that Tia's evil twin comes out at night. Usually after 1. She's seductive and know what she wants and, dang, she can get it. Like, if Sam were with me right now, I could march up to him and just take him. I am utterly convinced that in this mood, he'd have no chance *evil laughter*.

I saw Sam tonight. I wasn't quite to the point of 'no return' (that's basically what it is), but I was still revved up from my previous burst of confidence and I pulled another bit of smooth Tia bonding. I think I'll just work it until he's comfortable with me, and then I'll pounce! He'll be so thrown off, he won't be able to do anything but take it *more evil laughter*.

Well, curfew chased him off, but I stayed around (we were all in my neighbor's apartment) and we all had a good boy/kissing/hugging/Tia's *ahem* kinkiness talk. It was quite fab, won't lie. But the result of it was this mood and my realization that Kym is right. Kimmy wants a husband; I want a boy toy.

Now, that isn't exactly the most flattering thing - it doesn't say much for my reputation - but it's true. And it's not necessarily sexual (though I do miss cuddling like nothing else). I've realized that I just don't want anything from a guy now but his sheer existence in my life. And thinking back to my brief, fling-y relationship with Matt, it was the same deal. I just wanted that, well, fun that comes with having a boy. A boy toy.

*sigh* Well, we'll see what happens. I've decided that I'm going to get Sam to ask me out within a month - just a date, nothing serious. Amidst all these scandaloso thoughts, I have realized the consequences of seducing a premie. Fear not, I'd rather not face God's wrath by diverting one of His missionaries from His chosen path. In the end, Santa Tia has control over Scandalosa Tia. Mostly.

*wicked grin*

All_nighter

AHH!

Ragings of the Insomniac

Oh. My. Gosh.

I was just laying in bed, having finally made it under the covers, when all of a sudden twenty million thoughts started racing through my head. Here's a quick preview: curly hair, Sam, Jen Mag, Bio midterm, elf makeup, Valentines Day, Arizona, treating myself, Sam, my entire wardrobe, the tumbling gym, Las Vegas, my journal, ohmygosh do I have insomnia?, crazy procrastinator, picking, fasting, my waistline, my hair, my desire for a boy (not even a man, for heaven's sake), the sleep I'm not getting, and on, and on, and on. Basically, I'm going insane.

I can't sleep. And it's horrible. I have not been able to fall asleep before 2 AM the past week. Now, part of it is the fact that I sleep in till at least 10 and don't go to bed when I'm tired at 11. But, seriously, I feel so physically dead and mentally jazzed at the same time, and it's driving me insane. Insane!

It's so funny, because I used to not go to bed because I didn't want tomorrow to come, and now I can't sleep because I'm so anxious for it. Honestly, isn't there some sort of a compromise? Can I not have just 5 hours? Please, all that is good and true and just and holy, please???

*sigh* I know that last request isn't legit - I've hardly done my part to earn those measly bits of sleep. But I'm just so dang tired....I wish I could just conk out right here, on my keyboard. *sigh* Alas, twill not be so.

Poo.

Monsters, girl.

Well, hallelujah, the girl is back in town!

Yessiree, it is moi after over two years of silence (from this venue, at least). Now, instead of blogging at 12 AM instead of doing my three math assignments or sleeping, it's 2 AM with an undone paper due. And still no sleep. Joy....

Bleh. Well, I feel far too blithe to let it really care (though I am desperately tired). I shall instead have to enchant you with my amazing college life.

Ok. Here it is.



I got nothin'. All in all, the most exciting social event of last weekend was playing Guitar Hero at Bryan's, though I fried my central lobe in so doing. Eh, I don't regret it.

Ada Doom "I saw something nasty in the woodshed!" Earl P. Neck "Sure you did, but did it see you, baby?"

Hehe....funny funny. I may have to take up this quotes-on-the-blog thing.

So! Mi hermano esta a casa, y esta sentando en la computadora a mi izquierda. Y estoy muy feliz. Sentio mucha goza.

So, I skipped-ed mutual to play with my family, and yesterday, after playing a very vigorous game of Settlers of Catan, my sister-in-law, cousin, and precious little nephew showed up to surprise Dan, and us too! So he got to see his nephew for the first time, and I got to see him for the millionth time, and as you well know, I am in full on cute, precious baby-mode. And he likes me! Bryant, I mean. He usually doesn't take a shine to me, at least not noticeably, but it's noticeable now. Probably 'cause I swing him up and down the stairs, and that is just fun! And a heck of a workout. You swing a 24 lb. body up and down the stairs 10 times in a row!

Anywho, because you've withstood my ramblings long enough I will put in the quote, though not the whole speech. It's a bit more intimidating when it is read rather the heard by Ian McWhatever, with moaning quiverers in the background.

Amos Starkadder: "You know what it's like when you burn your hand, taking a cake out of the oven, or lighting one of them godless cigarettes? And it stings with a fearful pain, aye? And you run to clap a bit of butter on it to take the pain away, aye? Well, I'll tell ye, there'll be no butter in hell! "

And we are definitely watching that next time we get together. That and Emma.

And so I will write/see/talk to y'all aka Kym later. Bon soir!

-Middi

Yo speiken le espanol!

So, y'all (aka Kym), how many of you (aka Kym) can read the Book of Mormon in Spanish? Huh? HUH?

Yeah, eat it! I've finally started reading it in Spanish again, which I tried to do last summer and gave up dismally, but I now can read it practically all on my own! I barely needed the English version! I'd check what I thought I read, and be right! It was so cool and I was so psyched that I read for almost an hour, which comes out to 2 chapters. Pitiful sounding, but good! Yeah, "Y sucedio......" "...por tanto...." "Y ascencia....." all the key phrases are there! Woot!

Also, I have realized that pain killers are VERY nice when it comes to yoga. I was doing it last night, before I went to bed, and I was really stretching! I was so proud, figuring I must just be having a good day. But then I noticed, while I was doing the hurdle stretch, that I was resting my head on my knee! Ok, recap, I can only put my head on my knee for one breath, on my right leg, and that with much effort. But last night, I did it without even thinking! I kept raising my head and putting it back down, and eventually left it there for 14 breaths and I could have gone longer if I wasn't so shocked!!!! I could even rest it on my left knee for a while! It was really cool, but kind of freaking me out, till I realized that it must have been my pain killers! And then I got all panicked, cause I didn't want to hurt myself unknowingly, so I haven't done anymore. It was still pretty cool.

Ok, enough of my blabbering, here's the website you need to see me almost passing out half-in my bathroom. I think I look rather attractive, in that drunken-looking way..... :D

http://spaces.msn.com/members/sheikdelmar

-Middi